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I wanted to sleep, but was unable to until late into the night. It almost drove me crazy. Thirty years later, I found the visual answer to these optical hallucinations when I was connected to a Brain Stimulator at a 3D-Virtual Reality demonstration. I liked to make drawings, but art was never on my mind as a teenager. Still, there were emotional visual encounters that turned out to be very important experiences. There is one moment that had a profound impact on me and is permanently etched in my memory.
At the bar there were rockers and bikers, some friends of friends and also two female social workers.
One of the so called friends of friends —a crazy, dangerous person— stood up from his barstool and walked over to one of the social workers. Completely drunk, he took a gun out of his jacket and pressed it hard against her head. I was sitting at the other side of the bar looking at the scene. The woman went into a paralyzing shock.
Her eyes were wide open and she was staring at me. She was gazing deeply into my eyes. It was the piercing look of someone who had already accepted that she would die with the click soon to come.
All the colors turned grey around her. The woman froze, fainted and fell flat on her face on the bar.
For a moment I had looked deeply into the open window of death. It was emptiness. Time ceased to exist. Space ceased to exist. That feeling, that vacuum, stayed with me from then on. It is the vacuum between things. It is the space between objects. I knew this from my sleepless nights as a young child, but at that moment it was like a door that had been opened to step through.
It was total freedom, created by the vacuum of existence. Secret drawings Another visual encounter that turned out to be a very important experience was my first exposure to pornography. It was disturbing, because I was rather young.
When I was around twelve years old I used to sneak behind a sex cinema with some boys from the street to watch terrible porno movies in secret. We would stand on the back of our bicycles so we could look through a window and see movies with the most bizarre subjects: animal sex, sadomasochism or other hard porno.
After seeing the movie, instead of being sexually interested, we all would be in a complete state of shock. We would talk about it for days in a completely exciting sickness. To rid myself of that mixed-up energy between fascination and repulsion I would lock myself up in my bedroom and I secretly began to make erotic-horror drawings.
I was around seventeen years old when I entered. The school was divided into two departments: a technical part for painters and a part for window-decorating. The window decorating department consisted of mostly girl students. A change of friends and interests took place as I began to have more friends of the opposite sex and my adolescent boy behavior quickly diminished.
Female friends from the window-decorating department took me to make-up and photography courses. Until that time my world of sexual fascination consisted of erotic-horror comics like Lucifera11 or Biancaneve. Because they were so explicitly personal, I would destroy them as soon as they were finished, afraid that somebody else might see them.
I found myself in a blasphemous conflict between the sugary sweet and romantic erotica presented to me by some girlfriends for instance photos by David Hamilton and the stylish feminine world from fashion magazines and that of sexploitation in horror movies and porno comics.
I lived the sexual life of a Doctor Jekyll and Mister Hyde. Sometimes I tried to hide my unfinished drawings, but would forget where I had put them. They would appear in a schoolbook in the middle of the class, or even worse: one day I hid them outside my bedroom window and a breeze came along and blew them all over the neighborhood.
They became an addictive obsession and I barely slept anymore, drawing the whole night through, until I had to go to school again the next morning. I would drink liters of coffee every day in order to stay awake and would take aspirin to try to fall asleep for a few hours at night, until one day I collapsed from exhaustion and I knew I had to stop the addiction before it stopped me.
In all the years that followed my art has continued to be enveloped in the issue of making it in secret. An artwork has always been a deeply personal expression for me, created in isolation.
I loved the adult comics by Leone Frollo such as Lucifera or Biancaneve. The interesting thing about these comics was that figures and gestures would reappear in other issues as different caracters. The Lucifera-figure would become a blond or have shorter hair in order to express a different character.
It might even be the same pose, only with an arm or a leg in a different position. The figures were constructed like the letters of a word, creating a visual personality.
I constructed my erotic drawings in the same way. Unaware of the mythical painting of Helen by the painter Zeuxis 5th — 4th century BC ,13 I would take poses and details from magazines, other comics, film stills and turn them into figures for my own erotic drawings.
It was a very strict academic school. I learned everything that had to do with paint: house painting, industrial spray-painting for cars, billboard painting and lettering, indoor decorating, painting techniques, laboratory paint tests, and so on. At the Technical School we had to draw a lot of still-lives. We were taught different color theories: Albert Munsell, W. I mixed colors in circles and triangles and did subtractive color mixing all the time.
I had to hand paint letters in one single stroke for four to six hours nonstop. That was the academic education I received.
Teaching at the Art school was very much based on an Abstract Expressionist vision at that time. It was a vision based on self-expression, rather than being academic. Many teachers worked in a style created by the Neue Wilde14 and the Neo-Expressionists. Coming from a technical background, the art school felt totally free, without structure of any kind. When I first enrolled I knew everything there was to know about paint as a material, but nothing at all about other materials.
At the Art school I had to catch up on art history, and do it fast. I did know a little, mainly classics like Goya, Rembrandt, Delacroix or Seanredam. I had been taught the basics in Art history at the Technical School and knew about the laws of perspective, projection and composition and the making of paint, but I had never been taught anything about Modern or Contemporary Art.
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I would turn the volume of the rushing sound up very high and it would give me the feeling that I was in another universe. He sees some bones laying on the ground and starts chewing on them. I mixed colors in circles and triangles and did subtractive color mixing all the time. Immunoproliferative small intestinal disease IPSID was recently added to the growing list of infectious pathogen-associated human lymphomas.